“I want people to respect me more” is something I hear often in my practice. We tend to ask the world around us for the things we are longing for: attention, respect, flexibility, some slack, time, caring, and being seen and heard or taken seriously are just a few examples. Some of us spend almost a lifetime looking for these things in relationships, jobs and other places, still frustrated and puzzled about why they are so hard to achieve or obtain.

We have convinced ourselves that if we just receive this or that from the world around us then we will feel better and/or things will be resolved. So, the search goes on…

I know the feeling of this bottomless pit; I myself have been caught in it many times. The worst part about this is the feeling of having been lost in the quest and compromising myself in a way that is unreasonable for my well being. In my life it is a very common reason for me having lost my mojo.

There is no lasting solace in asking for these things in the world around you because it never seems like there is enough respect or attention or whatever it is you are looking for to fill the hole inside of you. If you have tried this strategy you are probably already aware of that and you might even be finding yourself in compromises that strain you too much every day.

The longing is actually trying to tell you that somewhere along the way you stopped giving these things to yourself and that is where the recovery needs to start.

When we stop giving these things to ourselves we abandon the most important person in our lives. And when that happens everyone else will do the same. We cannot blame everyone else; the only cure is that you start by giving yourself these things and when you do that you will see how other people begin to do the same. It simply changes things around you when you start giving it to yourself. And the places/relationships/jobs where these things are not present will either change or you will find others that fit you better.

In other words, we can change the game around something we are looking for by starting to give it to ourselves. The only way is to give yourself some slack, respect yourself, take good care of yourself, etc., and then you will find yourself in another setting.

There is only one caution in this process and that is to not beat yourself up about not having done this before this point. We all do our best – all the time. This is the time for you – now you are ready.

Here is how to get started:


  1. Identify ONE thing that you feel is clearly lacking in your life and that you are looking for in the world around you (one thing at a time).
  2. Brainstorm about all the ways you can show or give it to yourself.
  3. Start implementing small things first and get more ambitious as you go.
  4. Every time you get tempted to demand or ask it from the world (and that will most likely happen many times) remind yourself that it starts with you staying with you and giving it to yourself.


All the best wishes for getting what you are looking for.